Jewess' Confidential
*Comments Updated* Sept 15
Passionate Life has posted an article on his blog entitled Feminist Turned Frum Reveals She's Never Felt More Free! which has inspired the following and is not directly aimed at him.
I have no problem with this woman's choices. I envy her the comfort that that choice brings. I wonder what the point of the post was, though. Like, does this mean that it was a confession, that she has divested herself of her sins and seen the light? Or that Torah has won, being all powerful? Is there something about feminists per se that makes them a desirable target for 'conversion'? Like, it's 'one' for the 'other side'?
I am weary of the whole feminism issue. Does thinking for yourself necessarily equate with some ideology? I don't think so, but it seems to make it easier for others just to stamp us thinking women with a handy label. In my opinion, targetting any woman who argues and lives away from the mainstream, with a label, is pretty mainstream and does not take a whole lot of thought.
Speaking of the concept of 'frum', is that an ideology as well? I am reminded of the time when I was davenning with the Minyanaires and the gabbai challenged my not wearing a kippah along with tallit and tefillin; he said that if I wished to be "like a man", then I should do it all the way. Well, of course,in knee-jerk reaction, I bristled at this unimaginative but predictable view. Thankfully, MOR, being Mara d'Atra, educated us. It turns out that Jewish men did not wear a kippah as a matter of course. And in fact, for a while, in the Middle Ages they wore what now are commonly known as dunce caps. The Torah never makes a mention of wearing a kippah, not once. he ruled that I did not have to wear a kippah; if he had ruled otherwise, surprisingly to me, I would have abided by it.
Somehow the notion of modesty came up. My argument, knowing full well that wearing a kippah was not mentioned in the Torah, was that I was modest enough. Hello? I show up regularly at morning minyan, and I am not wearing shorts like the guys and my shoulders are covered and I tend to wear long dresses/skirts in the heat; more importantly I don't showboat during services (as if most women do-- NOT). Yet, I don't wear a kippah with my tefillin because to me it is overkill and I know I can do this- the tefillin headpiece feels like a coronet to me; it imparts dignity, and there is no law to stop me. But, hey, incite minhag as halacha to burst my bubble as if I had no clue about what halacha says. And hey, cite modesty, since that seems to inform most rule-oriented males, when it comes to women. I am still waiting for something rather more original....
You know what? I am willing to act in a way contrary to halacha when it makes no sense to me and, in deed, does not contravene Torah. Sue me. Or label me Reform. I have often adored the simple modesty of Torah prescriptions, and I would love a life where true modesty for both women and men lives and is not attached to fears and prejudices and judgments masquerading as Torah.
I could present myself as 'frum' very easily. But the reality is that a thinking woman has choice, which makes her neither frum or liberal or 'feminist'. She lives Torah as she believes. And it is a passionate belief. She has desire.
To reduce her decisions to ideology or custom is diminishing and lazy and offensive.
If I were looking for someone to connect with, I would be looking for the desire. It may be desire for custom or ideology in some, or it may be a desire and passion for Judaism, and growth and climbing the ladder of possibility that G-d has so kindly granted us, and for which I live. Just don't do the feminist label thing if it honestly does not apply. And if it does, I leave you with a challenge- how are you going to embrace it, Jewishly? Find a way.
posted by Barefoot Jewess at 9:22 pm
Mama
Josh
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Emet
Sammie
Marly
Tan Guy
Socks
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Coffee
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Zena
7 Comments:
I think that the main point of her story is to fix the misconception many people (in particular women who are hip, urbane, and sophisticated, the Vogue crowd) have about Orthodox women. Mainly the notion that its misogynistic, patriarchal, and restrictive to women. There is a complete misunderstanding of the Mechitza in Shul, the covering of hair, Family Purity laws, and the separate but equal roles that men and women have based on G-d creating our physical and psychological make ups.
The biggest mistake "feminism" has made is to think that equality with males requires imitating males. Why not celebrate the unique qualities that are intrinsic to the feminine woman?
A good example is the division between the Cohen, the Levi, and the Yisrael. Each has a unique role to play in the service of G-d. All have an equal human value and is loved equally by G-d. The Levite wash the Cohens hands and doesn't consider it degrading, rather a privilege to do their part in the service before G-d.
The biggest factor is the ego. Someone has to shoot the guns and someone has to make the bullets. We each are ingrained in our physical and psychological make up with specific talents and abilities, depending on our inborn personality types. The problems start when the ego rears its head and says that I would like to shoot the guns rather then make the bullets because it seems like a more glamorous job (because society has put that value on it.) (Like the value of being an executive versus being a stay at home mom. Of course a woman should be free to make their own decisions, but the urbane crowd turn their noses down on a woman who has CHOSEN to be a stay at home mom.)
I am not saying that there are not certain misguided people in both the Orthodox and secular society that WRONGLY place women in certain boxes. That unfortunately does exist and it is sad for the people who have those views and the difficulty they create for women (and others) affected by that. But its important to remember that its PEOPLE who are making those mistakes, not Orthodox Judaism.
Here is a conversation I had with a woman recently that reflects some of the above discussion.
She said:
“sounds perfect, perhaps. I was getting a little nervous about just jumping into full-time yeshiva - I am sort of deeply an unconventional person, I think, who prizes imagination so much - and I'm scared of being in a stifling environment, even though I think of course Torah itself is tremendously absorbing and giving and a guide for any type of human. So this is the weird confrontation: the dialectic between Tradition with a capital T which Judaism prizes and the Innovation with a capital I that art attempts. I have figured out I need to "Submit" but not "Conform"....(submission can be a spiritual term, conformity though applies only to society/human relations I think)”
I replied:
You have mentioned this conflict in your profile and I have been meaning to ask you about it. My conflict is what humans/society has evolved into and what the original message from Hashem is. I live in an ultra-orthodox environment and have been trying to institute values through Halacha as opposed to stringency's and customs that may be damaging to segments of society on a personal and emotional level. I don’t see this conflict so much as within Torah, rather as a conflict of people trying to decide what a Torah life is.
I am trying to accept and see the ultra stringency's and conformity rules mentality as an anchor that keeps the whole from moving too far from the core. A necessity for many who have difficulty with intellectual honesty and self-serving desires.
For me personally I believe in the rule of Halacha, recognizing its differing severity levels, which with each exceeding level I restrict myself to a higher degree. All the while recognizing that when I falter or have weakness it is just that, and not trying to fit and tailor Halacha to satisfy my lifestyle. It’s a constant dance of examination, reexamination, ruminations, and soul-searching to come up with a lifestyle that adheres to my commitment and submission to Hashem while taking into account my emotional health and personal development at the stage that I am.
Your "Submit" but not "Conform" is one that I admire greatly. It’s a very apt description of my strong feeling towards those that struggle within Orthodox Jewish society and are considering leaving the fold because of their sense of restriction and inability to blossom in their G-d given abilities. I wish that I could reach them with your message – that it is society and conformity that are stifling them, not Hashem and Torah. It does not have to be a conflict. We are all free to choose a life that Hashem wants us to blossom in. Spread your wings and soar towards the horizon. Beauty, joy, and serenity await you there.
PL,
Thank you for your considered reply. My ISP keeps going down and I have needed some time to think about what you wrote.
I'll begin by saying in response that I think the biggest mistake made about "feminism" is that it means that women desire to imitate men. This is a huge generalisation. And I think that anyone who immediately assumes this ought to check with the woman in question before tarring everyone with the same brush. By implication, women must think like a Borg collective, possess no individuality nor be capable of intelligent thought and discernment. What this has to do with women's roles, I don't know. Unless this is addressed everything that follows from it doesn't carry much weight or validity.
I guess there is no point in covering old ground regarding men's and women's roles, because we are not going to agree. We have come into this with well thought out convictions, and chosen our lives, and are not going to persuade each other. Though I will say that it seems to me that any time a woman makes a move to expand her 'role', one of the first responses is that she is not learned in these things and should know her place. Often, it seems to me the first thing that comes to mind is that she is choosing out of ignorance. Just an observation.
I have a friend who really did not find 'home' until she went to San Diego and ended up with Chabad. She revels in the life- it is her. I think that those who are drawn to a particular kind of life, whether more or less stringent, in some way, it suits their nature and their character- that is, for those who truly choose. I guess one person's truth can be another person's dogma. When in effect, it is just different.
I well understand the implications of the mechitza, taharat mishpacha, covering hair and the different roles for the sexes. I think a lot of women understand all too well . I don't think the subjects are so easy and I don't think that these are necessarily what concerns them. And I am sure that many women who voice concerns and strive for change are well versed in what the implications are, halachically. In fact, there is a reason why women do take issue with some of this; so that to simply assert that they have unique qualities does not address growing concerns. What about tefillah groups, wearing of tallit and tefillin, reading from Torah? Btw, I would think that women are quite aware of their uniqueness (kinda hard to miss)and do not need instruction.
Furthermore, to compare the relative positions of women and men to the traditional hierarchy of Cohain, Levi and Yisrael, simply proves my point. 1) that we are talking about hierarchy here; 2) the analogy serves to mislead, and sustains the original viewpoint, since honorifics passed thru the father cannot compare with a hierarchy determined by sex. In essence, and I've heard this reasoning before, it is an attempt to compare apple with oranges, while putting women in their place with a nice fallacy.
Neither am I willing to buy that Judaism can be embraced apart from the Jews that espouse it. If Judaism is not Jews, than what is it? I might as well be Catholic. I agree that there are bad eggs in every path of life, but a community that embraces a particular hashkafa as the ultimate truth or the only truth or the true truth has a lot of explaining to do about *their* Judaism and their behaviour . IMO, you can't separate Judaism from Jews.
Finally, you say: "For me personally I believe in the rule of Halacha, recognizing its differing severity levels, which with each exceeding level I restrict myself to a higher degree. All the while recognizing that when I falter or have weakness it is just that, and not trying to fit and tailor Halacha to satisfy my lifestyle.
I would like to put it to you that indeed, this particular life *does* satisfy your lifestyle on many levels. You are drawn to what suits your nature, that' s why it works for you, why it suits, and you can see the beauty in it. And you were born to it- it is the *only* lifestyle you have ever known.
I would, however, respectfully disagree with your view of halacha. Perhaps that too depends on our respective natures as much as is does on individual or communal hashkafa. I do not view halacha in terms of increasing severity and restriction. I see it as a living, thriving adaptation and accommodation to the needs of the day, so we can lead holy lives, as it has proven itself in the past. In fact, I think the former view is an artifact of these times, where greater fences are being built around Torah to defend against the encroachment of secularist values and, I think, the loss of authority. From what I have seen and read, there are many hashkafot, from the lenient to the stringent and all points in between, even within Orthodoxy. Clearly you have chosen the way of living Jewishly that suits you.
One last comment: Some viewpoints in Judaism *are* misogynistic, patriarchal, and restrictive to women. I don't believe that Chazal were infallible, they were men after all, and I don't believe that each pronouncement was imbued with ruach hakodesh. I find it interesting that women who experience Judaism as less than kind to them are often jeered at or ignored. I have seen the fear of the slippery slope drown out women's voices, placing Judaism, or halacha, before Jews. To assert categorically that Judaism does not have a misogynistic patriarchal restrictive to women strain is to deny reality. Any thinking woman can tell you that.
And have you ever considered that "submission" may be qualitatively different for each person, particular to their nature?
http://www.aish.com/family/rebbitzen/On_Hair_Covering.asp
A deeper look at the Jewish concept of modesty.
By Rebbetzin Feige Twerski
Dear Rebbetzin,
I converted over three years ago and have been married now for a year and a half. There are a few areas I struggle with but one sticks out as being the hardest: covering my hair.
Right now, when I go to a religious function or to the synagogue, I wear a hat over my shoulder-length hair. At work I do not cover my hair. Aside from the issue of if I should be covering my head, I am feeling that I am consigning myself to a certain social circle for how I cover my hair. I have also heard that the extent to which one keeps kosher can be "viewed" by whether one covers her head. All of this saddens me and makes me reflect on how we as Jews do not love each other the way we should.
I can also add that people in my life who are not orthodox (i.e. my mother, some friends who are Jewish but not observant and colleagues at work) would react negatively to my covering my hair. I tried making a start by covering my hair all day Friday -- I work at home and run errands at lunch. One non-observant acquaintance saw me and in the middle of the kosher market said, "Since when are you covering your hair? Is this something new?" I felt so embarrassed as other women in wigs began to look closer at me. I just shook my head and changed the subject.
I am torn. Part of me wants to cover my hair, but part of me does not. All this makes me feel guilty for not covering my hair, and I wish there was a solution.
I worry that my career path will be hampered if I suddenly chose to cover my hair. I hate to call attention to myself and I feel in a way it's not modest since people will be drawn to looking at me to examine how I changed.
Finally there is my mother, who takes it all so hard, and being an only child I feel guilty that I am making her feel uncomfortable and angry, and I feel resentful that I still care about what she would feel more than what God asks of me.
Thankfully my husband is understanding and has indicated that when it is right for me, if it is right for me, it's all up to me -- his mother did not cover her hair until later in life.
I would appreciate any words or comments you have about this particular law and also the bigger picture that perhaps everyone can relate to: being observant in the face of society's "approval."
Sincerely,
Tearing my hair out.
Rebbetzin Feige responds:
My dear reader,
The first note of clarification needs to be that the objective of God's commandments is not the betterment of society as a whole or how we might appear to others, but rather how the mitzvot (commandments) speak to us personally, and how they enhance and promote the requisite spiritual growth of the individual who observes them.
A mitzvah (commandment) is a communication between the 'Metzvave,' the Commander (God), and the person who has wisely chosen to observe His expressed will, thereby forging a personal relationship with the Master of the universe. Society and the people around us are merely incidental and peripheral to the process.
As you correctly noted, covering the hair for a woman is indeed only part of a bigger picture.
Philosophically, the issue at hand is the existential struggle between focusing on the external or the internal dimensions of life. The external is the physical, material world of appearances that incessantly and compellingly beckons to us. This includes the never-ending drive to sate our appetites. It encompasses the needs of eating, drinking, sleeping, clothing ourselves, careers, acquisition of money, buying bigger and more beautiful homes, cars, vacations etc, etc. All of these drives are part of the world of the proverbial hunt. Arguably, the pursuit of the blandishments of the external world can be all consuming and, as such, can conceivably take us far off course from a life of purpose and meaning.
The internal world is the world of the spirit. Its voice is quieter and its demands on the human being more subtle and admittedly drowned out by the loud chatter of external pressures. But to ignore the needs of the soul is to ultimately deny one's raison d'etre -- the reason for being on this earth.
Tzniut is the de-emphasis of the outer self that enables the essential self to emerge.
The Almighty, in His great Wisdom, has provided us with the laws of Tzniut, variously translated as modesty, privacy. Better yet, Tzniut is the de-emphasis of the outer self that enables the essential self to emerge. Practically speaking, this means that our behavior in speech, dress, and in the way we carry ourselves should convey the message to ourselves primarily and to others secondarily that I need to be attractive and not attracting.
Attracting undue attention to my physical self proclaims that the totality of my person inheres in the physical presentation, that what you see is what you get. In contrast, when I am private and modest in my demeanor and to the extent I expose only that which is appropriate, my statement is that my body, important as it is, is no more than a vehicle for my essence. I am making the statement that it is indeed my character, my personality, my attributes which are the expression of the image of God in which I am created.
Consider the absurd end of the spectrum -- the tabloids and the various magazines at the checkout counters, the flaunting of flesh that screams "Look at me!" "This is who I am!" Where is the sense of the greater dignity that emanates from the fact that one's essence is drawn from God Himself? Clearly, there is no appreciation that there is so much more to a human being than their configuration which, no matter how impressive, ultimately has no enduring existence. In the end, everything that is physical wanes, dies and decays. It is only our internal spirit which is part and parcel of the Almighty that is eternal and timeless.
The external world of the hunt is primarily a man's domain. It is the sphere which man exercises his power and finds fulfillment. It is he, though not exclusively, who has historically been responsible for going out there to make a living by manipulating and exploiting the external environment.
The thrust of a woman's life is best captured by King David in the book of Psalms, who states, "the dignity of the daughter of a king is her inwardness." Hers is the inner stage of life, the private sector, the personal, the home, and by extension the one quintessentially able to connect with the inner springs of her person. Her inner place is the source of her superior ability to relate, to intuit, to perceive, to care, and to nurture. A woman has the greater wherewithal to look inside of herself for fulfillment and true gratification.
Anne Lindbergh, in her book Gift from the Sea, writes,
"Woman must be the pioneer in the turning inward for strength. In a sense, she has always been the pioneer. Less able until the last generation, to escape into outward activities, the very limitations of her life forced her to look inward. And from looking inward she gained an inner strength which man in his outward active life, did not as often find. But in our recent efforts to emancipate ourselves, to prove ourselves the equal of man, we have naturally enough perhaps, been drawn to competing him in his outward activities to the neglect of our own inner springs. Why have we been seduced into abandoning this timeless inner strength of woman, for the temporal strength of man? The outer strength of man is essential to the pattern, but even here the reign of purely outer strengths and purely outward solutions seem to be waning today. Men, too, are being forced to look inward -- to find inner solutions as well as outer ones. Perhaps, this change marks a new stage of maturity for modern, extrovert, activist, materialistic man. Can it be that he is beginning to realize that the Kingdom of Heaven is from within?"
Often times, the stimulus for a woman to go inward and to connect to her core are life changing events, such as life threatening illnesses (God forbid), losses, and various forms of adversity. Something that challenges the status quo motivates her to take stock and evaluate the authenticity of her life.
Hair covering serves as a constant reminder for a woman to focus on the inner beauty inside of her.
For observant women who are tuned in and listen carefully, the mitzvah of Tzniut -- of dressing modestly and covering one's hair after marriage -- serve as a powerful medium to raise our consciousness and maintain our awareness that we must be inner directed. The hair, which is a woman's 'crowning beauty,' is covered when a woman leaves the confines of her home. In a sense, her full beauty is reserved exclusively for her husband. The foreign object, be it a hat or wig, no matter how attractive, is foreign, nonetheless, and constantly reminds a woman to focus on the inner beauty inside of her.
In a behavioral way when we go out there to interface with the powerful world of illusion, we center ourselves with a reality check. We cover our hair in an attempt to somewhat conceal our external selves, so that we might reveal and plug into the internal.
The commentators note that a woman covers her eyes when she lights the Shabbat candles, to block out the external world -- that which is only virtual reality -- so that she might apprehend the true, real world of the spirit. Similarly, when we recite the Shema, our ultimate statement of faith in God, we cover our eyes to our immediate external surroundings and move deep inside of ourselves to get in touch with what is real and enduring.
Assuredly, observant women must take care to always look pleasant, clean and appealing. Not to do so would reflect negatively on the God whose imprint she bears.
Bottom line, the concept of Tzniut cautions us that to get seduced by a culture that is obsessed with externalities is to abandon our very core and essence.
My husband has suggested the following additional philosophic framework for covering one's hair. Hair, in Jewish sources, is representative of the Yetzer Harah, the base inclination. Consider Esau, Jacob's evil twin brother who has born hairy, furry, animalistic. Hair grows in the areas of our body that are most closely associated with appetites that require discipline and self-control; the mouth, pubic area, the head, the brain. While we cannot control whether hair will grow or not, we can choose our response to the challenge it represents.
The domain in the male in his service to God is within the sanctification of time. It is preferably he who should usher in the Sabbath and holidays by the recitation of the Kiddush. The Nazir, who takes on a vow to abstain from wine and live in a heightened sense of purity, lets his hair grow for 30 days. Hence, in responding to the challenge of hair which represents unbridled appetite, a man is required to deal with it in time. He cuts his hair before holidays. A Kohen Gadol, (high priest) had to cut his hair once a week. A king was required by Jewish law to cut his hair every day. All of these are time connected.
The Jewish woman's role is seen within the sanctification of space -- the space of the home, the womb, etc. The woman expresses her understanding of the need to govern her Yetzer Harah, i.e. the growth of hair that symbolizes appetite, by creating a space around her head. Thus, by exercising her prerogative as the sanctifier of space, she creates a boundary around her head through the covering she wears.
Whether this approach resonates with you or not, when a married woman chooses to abide by the requirements of Halacha, (Jewish law) to cover her hair, when she leaves the context of her home, one thing is very clear: Covering one's hair is a very cogent reminder, moment to moment, that she is a married woman. Regardless of how attractive that hair covering might be [it may even be more attractive than one's own hair], it is, nonetheless, a foreign object which creates an undeniable awareness of one's marital status. Especially in our times when the barriers to the genders interacting freely have been removed and the opportunities, both socially and in the workplace, abound, there can never be too many reminders that we are committed to the exclusive covenant of our marriage.
My dear reader, taking into account everyone's reaction, sensitive as it might be, does not serve you well or give you peace. To your own self be true and everyone else will ultimately adjust. I sense that your level of observance and the kind of conversion to which you committed your life involved the acceptance of all mitzvot (commandments). You have to assume responsibility for your decision.
Those who question the level of your kashrut (observance of dietary laws) or that of others based on whether they cover their hair, are merely stating that since they have neither the time nor the opportunity to examine every home in question, they can safely assume that one who commits themselves to all of the mitzvot can also be trusted in the standard of their kashrut. It's not a value judgment of their personhood. It is merely a way of attempting to maintain the integrity of a commitment that, to them, is very precious.
All of us, my dear reader, are on a journey towards becoming the best we can be. There are times in everyone's life when we are torn. We hear conflicting voices inside of us, simultaneously urging us in different directions. There are times when we have to keep moving up the mountain and other times when we need to stop and catch our breath. This might be a good time to enlist the guidance of someone you respect to help you gain some clarity and perspective.
Your husband is wise to leave it up to you. He knows that your agonizing is a product of a desire to do the right thing. And I am sure that you will. I wish you all the best.
Published: Sunday, August 01, 2004
Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.
Huh? I would have much preferred your own thoughts in rebuttal to the issues I have addressed. And I have read this article before.
There are some nice sentiments there. I think that all mitzvot are for cultivating inwardness, for both men and women, don't you think? Even the 100 b'rachot we are supposed to say each day- it's a recognition of G-d's sovereignty and creating and sustenance, as well as a reminder to us that we inhabit the world of the spirit, where the sensibilities and dynamics are different. Not only the rules, but the dynamics (depends on the person). To say a b'racha is to live with soul.
There was one paragraph that struck me:
"Bottom line, the concept of Tzniut cautions us that to get seduced by a culture that is obsessed with externalities is to abandon our very core and essence."
Well, from what I've been reading about certain communities, the externalities of the secular culture have been replaced by the obsession with religious externalities, so that even searching for a Shidduch has become a minefield of petty and absurdist considerations. What has a religious culture to do with G-d by the time people have deconstructed the original message? And what about things like wearing the right sheitl, having the right background, the right references, the right posek, going to the right school, keeping Shabbat in the right way, following the right Rebbe? All in the name of Torah.
And when does tznius cross the line into something else? How about the latest in Bnei Brak, where it has been legislated that males and females must, respectively, use separate sidewalks, including all visitors:
http://www.aad-online.org/Englishsite/Englinks/aad10/31/hs%201.htm
I am all for modesty. But in the huge scheme of things I don't think that it is gonna change the world. And I would disagree with the Rebbetzin that we are not here to make a better world- yes, we are! And who saved the Hebrew babes in Pharoah's Egypt? Midwives who stood up to the Pharoah and said No. They were pagans (and therefore proabably not big on tznius). Yet, I would venture a guess and say they were much closer to G-d than most.
Hi Barefoot,
I have been planning on commenting in my own words but I felt the above article eloquently stated many finer subtle points about the differing men and women’s roles in particular the Lindbergh excerpt from her book.
Before I continue I would like to clarify a couple of things. Barefoot, I have great respect and admiration for you in a number of ways. Your spirituality and connection with Hashem is very inspirational to me. Your bravery and courage in actively seeking a place for your soul to blossom is astounding. It is a rare ability to set aside other peoples notions for ourselves and deal with the sacrifice it entails to find a new home on the distant shores. The difficult and draining journey takes a tremendous inner reserve and resolve to achieve. I have such admiration for the fire and mettle that is part and parcel of the very fiber of your being for you to accomplish this. In every which way I salute you and wish you tremendous success in your journey.
Obviously we have some differences in religious practices and our Hashkofic views. I also believe that we have much in common in those arenas as well. I know that when it comes to treating a fellow human being and how we view materialistic or religious superficiality we are fiercely on the same page.
Mea culpa. My original comments were tackling too many issues and it would become unwieldy to respond to many of your comments that are responding to mine. I would end up on different tangents that take us away from the issue at hand. So, I propose that we tackle one or two issues per post if in fact you are open to an ongoing dialog.
Another thing to keep in mind, I may at times become enthusiastic and passionate about my points of view. It’s important to note that many of those are addressing my frustration with society at large (such as political correctness, or secular society’s view of Orthodox Women) and not specifically at you, even if you might share some of those views. Underneath it all is a great respect for who you are and I hope we can maintain civility and respect even when dealing with contentious issues and ones that are personally deeply meaningful to our world view
You wrote:
“I'll begin by saying in response that I think the biggest mistake made about "feminism" is that it means that women desire to imitate men. This is a huge generalisation. And I think that anyone who immediately assumes this ought to check with the woman in question before tarring everyone with the same brush. By implication, women must think like a Borg collective, possess no individuality nor be capable of intelligent thought and discernment.”
I do believe that the majority of people in the United States are designed to be like the Borg collective. That is regardless of religion or affiliation and one that causes much difficulty for people like you and I. I don’t think that this is a bad thing, simply because it is the very way that Hashem has created them. In psychological terms they are know as SJ’s (Read more about them here http://keirsey.com/personality/sj.html) and they are the largest of any personality type and are about 45% of the population. Because they are so community and tradition minded they by far control the institutions such as Synagogues, Schools, and community centers. They are the backbone of society and were created to have a stabilizing effect with their organized and steady way of functioning. New ideas, improvements and improvisations don’t come easy to them and they need lots of prodding and societal acceptance before they budge an inch.
The article Feminist Turned Frum Reveals She's Never Felt More Free!
Was aimed at the secular Borg collective that have accepted societal norms for the "new free woman". When I refer facetiously to the "new free woman", I am talking specifically about women who ape men’s irresponsibility and crude behavior. I can bring you hundreds of articles about how this kind of feminism has done tremendous damage to the very women they had hoped to set free.
The Feminist Turned Frum article was not targeted towards a person such as yourself who has a much greater nuanced view of Judaism and a very different definition of feminist then the Borg collective has on feminism.
It also was mainly targeted towards secular society’s insulting sense that Orthodox Women are in some sort of restrictive slavery with the inability to think for themselves. This article along with the many intelligent, independent, and happy Orthodox women that I personally know from all kinds of backgrounds, greatly refute that notion. I know women who are the so called elite of society with PhD’s from Harvard and Yale who are Orthodox and would strongly agree with the sentiments of the article.
Are there women from Orthodox society who have felt restricted and confined within that society? Absolutely. However, one must examine those situations closely before branding Orthodoxy with the cause for their discontent. The pain and difficulty that they feel is real and I have the greatest empathy for their suffering. After closely examining their situation and please remember I work in social services in the Orthodox community, I can emphatically state that the cause is mainly the PEOPLE around them. These family members, friends, and other influential people are emotionally unhealthy who make Orthodox life seemingly unlivable for these suffering souls.
I have to get going but I would like to continue at a later time with this thought which directly leads to your statement that you can’t separate Jews from Judaism which I respectfully strongly disagree with.
Best Regards,
PL
Separating Jews from Judaism
Throughout our history we have acted in ways that do not represent Judaism. Whether it was idol worship of the golden calf in the desert or the numerous sins that caused the destruction of both temples we as a nation have at times not acted in accordance with Torah and our sacred pact with G-d. We are a stubborn nation and at times this has caused us great grief. This characteristic has also helped us defy all nations and pressures in our steadfastness to our beliefs through 3000 years of persecution. It is a mixed blessing thwarting us when we are doing the wrong thing and greatly helping us when we are doing the right thing.
Clearly Jews can do things that are not in accordance with Judaism and does not represent Judaism.
It reminds me when I was teenager and I had a conversation with a next door neighbor who was a non-Jewish girl around the age of 10 or 12. I had said something to her and then I asked her how she knows that I am not lying. She turned to me and with a look of triumph in her eyes she said with smug satisfaction, “I know that Jews are not allowed to lie, so you can’t be lying!”
As Jews we do have a higher standard to live up to and it’s a terrible sin when we falter. A Chillul Hashem – a desecration of G-d – by our actions as representatives of His message on this world when we don’t uphold our Judaism.
When we do falter thou it is our human weaknesses that are faltering not Judaism. IN ALMOST EVERY CASE WHERE YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED AN ORTHODOX LIFESTYLE AND FEEL REPRESSED IT STEMS FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. That person did not grow up in a nurturing and loving environment where they were encouraged to be the person that G-d created them to be. I have known many such people and their suffering can readily be traced back to such a dysfunctional authority figure or environment.
Just this week The New York Times featured a book called “The Color of Water – A Black Man’s Tribute to His White Mother.” His mother was the daughter of an Orthodox Jewish rabbi, who married a black man in 1942. She writes, “I was born an Orthodox Jew on April 1, 1921… I remember my Jewish name Rachel Shilsky…I got rid of that name when I was nineteen and never used it again after I left Virginia for good in 1941. Rachel Shilsky is dead as far as I’m concerned. She had to die in order for me, the rest of me, to live.
My family mourned me when I married your father. They said Kaddish and sat shiva. That’s how Orthodox Jews mourn their dead. They say prayers, turn their mirrors down, sit on boxes for seven days, and cover their heads. It’s a real workout, which is maybe why I am not a Jew now. There were too many rules to follow, too many forbiddens and “you can’t’s” and “you mustn’ts,” but does anybody say they love you? Not in my family we didn’t. We didn’t talk that way. We said things like, “There’s a box in there for the nails,” or my father would say, “Be quiet while I sleep.”
She goes on to talk about how brutal a man her father was in his mannerisms. She directly correlates ORTHODOX JUDAISM with its restrictions and the absence of love and positivity from her father. As a child we cannot separate the actions of the individual from his stated beliefs. If he is an Orthodox Rabbi and acts this way that must be what Judaism is about.
When parents are dysfunctional it is such a violation for the children it causes deep painful damage to their fragile psyches for years and years. It takes much hard work to overcome this damage and realize it was an individual acting unjustly not the tenets of a religion.
PL,
On 'Judaism is Jews': I don't think that one can separate religion from the Jews, in the sense that we became a nation based on Torah principles and values. An entire people experienced G-d at Sinai. If you take away the "religious"or spiritual aspect, what is there left to differentiate us from others? Where else does one become part of a people by joining religiously and spiritually?
You said: "When we do falter thou it is our human weaknesses that are faltering not Judaism. IN ALMOST EVERY CASE WHERE YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE LIVED AN ORTHODOX LIFESTYLE AND FEEL REPRESSED IT STEMS FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. That person did not grow up in a nurturing and loving environment where they were encouraged to be the person that G-d created them to be. I have known many such people and their suffering can readily be traced back to such a dysfunctional authority figure or environment".
Well, first of all, I thought we were talking about Judaism, not just Orthodox Judaism. Secondly, I see your point about dysfunction; however, if it is all about dysfunction, then what you are saying is that only psychologically healthy individuals become 'successful' at Orthodoxy- who get it. Taken to its logical conclusion, only psychologically healthy individuals practise true Orthodoxy, which kinda implies most Jews are dysfunctional then. Put another way, this also means that those who embrace Orthodoxy are psychologically sound.
So-nu- where are the transformative powers of religion in all of this? And what about those who follow the letter of the law and not the spirit? And finally, whatever happened to the idea that people were given free will and can think for themselves and that perhaps acceptance or rejection on the religious continuum can also be based on mature, well-considered thought, not dysfunction. That people make choices. The fact that there is emotion attached is not necessarily a detriment.
(Btw, a family atmosphere can be just as repressive in a C family as in an O family, and people have also rejected religion for those reasons but to hear it told, it's due to C being wishy-washy religiously, another fallacy, yet promulgated far and wide)
I really don't know if I'm onto something or not- I've really struggled with this 'Judaism is Jews'(hence the long interim before answering). Actually, I prefer this answer I happened upon here:http://www.chabad.org/magazine/article.asp?AID=159700 , that Perhaps nothing has been as detrimental to the Jewish people as the modern idea that Judaism is a religion. If we are a religion, then some Jews are more Jewish, others less Jewish and many Jews not Jewish at all....We are not a religion. We are a soul." Now this is something that I can buy into.
I really do think that we are all one, regardless of practice or non-practice. I find that even with people who are clearly psychologically disordered and nasty, that I cannot ignore that they are fellow Jews and my people no matter what and it makes a difference in how I behave towards them. The connection is there, no matter what. That is something that surprised me.
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